They're looking for anything I do wrong
Even if it's my sister being rude, they push it over on ME
and say that /I/ am being rude.

That's what just happened.

We were eating tortillas, like we always do on fridays.
We have some white thick sauce called gräddfil (cream yoghurt)
that we use with it.
I take the last of it, there wasn't much left.

Suddenly my sister glares at me.
"DID YOU TAKE THE LAST OF IT?!"
"Yes?"
"You can't take the last!"
"Am I supposed to let it ROT or give it to YOU?
Why do YOU deserve the last and not me?"
"You're hopeless!"
She storms off into the kitchen to see if there's any more.
"Why are you so rude, Frida? She was just asking."
"Asking? She was yelling at me."
They glare at me and then suddenly my sister shouts from the kitchen,
yet again, telling me that I can't take the last of the cream yoghurt.
I don't even get the time to answer.
"Shut up! God, you're so rude, why do you ALWAYS have to nag Lovisa??"
My apetite died and I just went up to my room, followed by angry
muttering and cursing.

Whatever happens, I'M rude.
It's MY fault.

I hate them so much.
I want them to leave me the fuck alone.
They're breaking down my will to get out of bed,
my will to eat, my will to do anything.

I'm not happy when I'm with them, but they don't see that and just label me as disrespectful.



And right now my sister is slamming her door because there are no peanuts.
Which there are. A whole bag of them.
She's horrible, I hate her.

So much hate....
Sometimes it feels like they're trying their hardest to make me hate them.
Make me fear them. And I do.

Every time they open the door I prepare myself for a scolding for
something I have or haven't done.
I prepare myself for a speech about how useless I am, despite me doing
better in school. But they don't care about that.
They focus on what's going bad.
"You need to work more, I never see you working at home, but you can't
stay up late working and when you come home from school you have
to do the laundury, take out the dishes out of the dishwasher,
walk the dog, make the table, eat, put away everything from the table
and THEN I can do homework.
After dinner it's half past seven.
I'm allowed to be up until half past nine.
Two hours of homework.
No free time...

Of course, I don't do homework at home.
I do it in school mostly.
But they don't care.
They're focusing on the bad things.

If I'm happy, I get depressed as soon as I see them.
I'm constantly afraid that they'll complain about me,
I'm terrified of those speeches as they always make me cry.
They feel accomplished when I cry, I guess.
Gives them proof that I can feel, after all...
Because to them I'm a heartless, rude and disrespectful spoiled brat.

And they love my sister whatever she does...
I just feel like I'm not worth as much as she is..
And it's really taking its torn on me.







I need therapy...